How I Dealt with Burnout as a Controller in Tech
I’m writing this post to share my experience with burnout in terms of symptoms and what made me feel better. Note, I’m not bothered or disappointed by the fact that I felt burned out. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I feel proud that I managed to recognize the symptoms early and took actions. After all, prioritizing my mental health is of the utmost importance to me—not money, recognition, or my job.
My manager has been supportive and far less critical of me than I was of myself the entire time. My team is also instrumental in helping keep me sane. Unfortunately, this somehow made it more difficult for me to figure out why I feel this way because I couldn’t attribute my issues externally. This means I have to look internally.
Where It All Started
I was promoted to Controller four months ago today. It didn’t necessarily come as a surprise to me, as people in my network reached out with similar offers earlier in the year. This means I had time to prepare myself mentally to step into a management role weeks before it happened. Luckily, I had been with my current employer for almost a year by then, so I was already familiar with the people and the environment.
The first three months were fine. I gave myself some slack since I was new to the role. I also managed to accomplish more than I hoped, which gave me a much-appreciated confidence boost. Things took a turn as my to-do’s started piling up for a multitude of reasons. With my extended vacation upcoming, my intention was to leave the team in as good of shape as I could since it’s my duty as their manager to avoid burning them out. So, not only was I taking care of myself, but the need to ensure my team was taken care of added to the stress I was starting to lose control over.
Last Week
Fast forward to last week: my entire team is new compared to four months ago. Being under new ownership also means that there are new surroundings to get used to. On top of this, stepping into this role meant a completely new set of expectations for me. I aim to impress by nature, which made the transition period even more challenging than if I had been easier on myself.
Before last week, I had only experienced burnout once. I was preparing for the CFE (Common Final Examination) for my CPA designation three summers ago. It was almost expected and, thankfully, short-lived. I wrote about it then, which helped because sharing has always been therapeutic for me. This creative outlet is my therapy.
This time, it started with me dreading Mondays. The weekends never felt long enough. I know these are common feelings, but they were significantly more intense than usual for me. Since I work from home, I rarely felt the gutted feeling associated with going back to work the next day on Sunday evening. The lack of commute made the transition easier for me than before the pandemic. Then my sleep started to be affected. I constantly woke up two hours before my alarm went off, regardless of how early or late I went to bed. I wasn’t getting my usual 7 to 8 hours of sleep. The last straw was noticing how much I was thinking about work after hours. The associated feelings shifted from challenged, interested, or curious to annoyed, frustrated, and disappointed.
So, I did what I usually do when I’m stressed: I started sharing my feelings with close family and friends, the ones I trust to be empathetic but also honest with me. I also listened to podcasts on the topic of work-induced stressors because my mind works best when I’m faced with a problem I can solve step by step. Through conversations and self-reflection, I was able to identify the root causes of why I burned out and actions I can take to tackle them.
I won’t be sharing the causes yet as I want some time to digest and take action before doing so. However, what’s important to share is that once I identified them, I instantly felt lighter. My headspace is no longer occupied by unproductive thoughts about my to-do list when I’m not on the clock. Yes, I still think about work after hours—usually about processes I can improve. Those are things I enjoy thinking about, as I find them challenging. It’s all voluntary and doesn’t contribute to unwanted stress.
As a final thought, I want to remind you that it’s fine to require and ask for help. There’s no shame to not feeling your best 100% of the time.
Here’s to taking care of our mental health.